The Tongue

Sometimes being removed from a situation allows clearer insight.  Yesterday, I was privy to witness the fulfillment of such a situation, which reinforced for me a lesson my mother worked to instill in me from an early age.

“If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

Your mom said those words too right?  For some reason they never seemed to stay with me for very long.  I’d yell at my sister, take my punishment, nod at these words, and go on with life – only to repeat the same offense at the next opportune moment.  With the same mouth and tongue I would praise and curse (ref. James 3:9).

Yesterday, Bácsi and I went to Berettyóújfalu, as we do every Friday.  The orphanage system in this city is set up a little differently from Miskolc.  In Miskolc there are 4 houses all together on the same “campus.”  In Berettyóújfalu there are 11 houses spread throughout the city.  On a weekly basis Bácsi and I visit two of these houses (a duplex set-up), which hold up to 12 children each.  The néni in one of these houses passed us the message that we needed to go and meet with the director, assistant director, and psychologist to discuss Summer Camp.

If you recall, last fall we were thrown out of the Berettyóújfalu orphanage.  The people we went to meet with yesterday, are the very people that told us they saw no benefit for GoodSports to be involved in their orphanage.  It took several conversations to smooth things over and gain permission to re-enter the orphanage.  Thus, there was some slight hesitation over going to the office yesterday morning.

We walked into the director’s office and the first words he said were, “Kedves Ernő!” (Dear Edy!).  Relief flooded over me as we very pleasantly discussed the five topics of business and they all gave immediate consent to the summer camp plans we had.  I could hardly believe it!  The same group of people who tossed us out the door, saying our programs were of no benefit to them, not only requested to meet with us, but agreed with everything we presented!  After the business was concluded Bácsi, the director and I had a very pleasant, hour-long conversation.  It was as if we were old friends meeting for coffee.  No one is exactly sure why, but the director seems to adore Bácsi.  This works to our favor and gives us access to the kids – God works in mysterious ways…

On this occasion I got to see the effects of a double talking mouth.  While I was astonished, and pleasantly surprised, it did make me pause and consider my own tongue.  How often do I speak rash words, which I later contradict?  How often do I have to eat my share of humble pie because of a careless word that I allowed to slip from my mouth?

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

Proverbes 29:20

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

James 1:19-20

The Bácsi Box

Men do one thing at a time.  As stated in the eloquent words of Major Charles Emerson Winchester III (M*A*S*H): “I do one thing at a time.  I do it very well.  And then, I move on.”  Sometimes I think there’s a lesson in this for women, and then three other thoughts pop into my head and I move on. 

Nevertheless, Bácsi’s life is organized into boxes.  Driving is one box.  An attempt at intense conversation with him while driving requires extreme patience.  Long pauses, multiple explanations, and often misunderstandings occur.  It is generally a good idea to simply listen to music or keep the conversation light.

Cooking is another box.  Bácsi loves to cook.  While this would thrill most women, I tended, for a time, to put off having him cook dinner.  Long before we started dating bácsi was going to cook for a small group of friends, of which I was one.  We thought this was lunch, but 6 hours of cooking later we had dinner.  It was divinely delicious food it just takes time.  Bácsi even admits that when he cooks, he does so one step at a time.  Thankfully, he is improving in this area.  He made dinner the other night in an hour – and it was scrumptious!

Yes, he even has his “Nothing” box.  I don’t understand this box, and I gave up trying.  If I ask “Mizu edyorzsagban?” and he replies “semmi,” then I just have to let him be (this doesn’t even completely make sense in Hungarian, so I’ll leave it to everyone’s imagination).

Then, I created, the “Bácsi Box.”  This innocent little piece of Tupperware had no idea what was in store for it.  You see, about a month ago, Edy and I were sitting at the Chun’s talking after dinner.  I can’t recall how we got to this topic, but essentially Russ and Edy had decided they were not getting enough of the süti (cookies) I bake.  In all fairness, Russ was getting next to none. 

I had created, what I deemed to be, a foolproof game plan for operation fit-into-my-wedding-dress.  Baking is a stress reliever for me, and a bit of a love language.  However, if the süti stays in my house, I will also eat it.  Ergo, I bake and within 24 hours I get it OUT of my reach.  While bácsi was around for the initial baking process, and would manage to get a few off the cooling rack to enjoy, he was then forced to smile as I gave the rest away at the Miskolc and Berettyóújfalu orphanages.  In his words, “I can’t complain when she’s giving the süti to orphans, but I want the süti too!”

Now, I make sure to funnel some off to Russ (gotta keep the boss happy), and I make sure that some goes into the Bácsi Box.  The bácsi box süti is not given away.  It remains in my kitchen for bácsi to do with as he pleases – unless I snitch one….which I wouldn’t do since I’m trying to fit in the dress…right? 

GoodSports April Teams

It’s been a busy month for everyone involved in GoodSports.  There are many teams coming – three came during the month of April.  Here’s a quick synopsis of the “goings ons”…

For Easter we had our team from Kaiserslautern.  With their help we dyed Easter eggs, played soccer, had a traditional American Easter meal, and had an “Easter Egg Hunt” – although with nearly 600 eggs in the tiny orphanage yard, we use the term loosely.  We were also able to share the true Easter story – Christ and His resurrection.

Not two weeks later we had a team from the Calvary Chapel Bible College in Vajta (south of Budapest).  Our own, Mate Zoli, lead the team of 5 students – 4 Hungarians, and 1 Chinese.  For 10 days they worked endlessly in many different areas, with many different audiences.  With them we were able to:

-Feed the homeless of Debrecen, in conjunction with the Hungarian Reformed Church’s Reménysugar (“Ray of Hope”) ministry.

-Teach English in a local primary, and secondary school, in conjunction with LOGOS Language School.

-Visit two different orphanages, Miskolc and Berettyóújfalu, in conjunction with on-going GoodSports ministries.

-Attend two different university outreach events, in conjunction with the International Mission Board and Calvary Chapel Debrecen.

-Conduct a worship service for the Roma community of Hajduböszörmény, in conjunction with Calvary Chapel Debrecen.

-Conduct an outreach event for disabled/handicapped children, in conjunction with the Hungarian Reformed Church’s Immanuel Otthon (“Immanuel’s House”) ministry.

-Conduct an outreach event for the children of the E.U. Refugee Camp, in conjunction with Menedék (Hungarian Association for Migrants).

-Paint and do building maintenance for Calvary Chapel Debrecen.

-Attend and assist with the Youth Group for Calvary Chapel Debrecen.

-Teach Kid’s Church for Calvary Chapel Debrecen.

…and so much more!

We also had a large team from Word of Life (NY) join Vajta & GoodSports for a sports day at the orphanage.  Because of the specific needs of house three we had several indoor activities – complete with a presentation of the gospel (video).  The weather was beautiful (thank God for no rain!) and with 20 orphans, and a combined team of 60 we had sports, games, crafts, a scavenger hunt, and a BMX demonstration (video). 

Word of Life, Vajta, GoodSports & Miskolc Orphans watching the BMX demo

All in all, it’s been an amazing month for teams visiting GoodSports!

72 Pancakes

What is my job?  Buidling relationships in an effort to lead people to Christ.

What does this look like?  It varies, but this past Friday, it included 72 American pancakes and 20 orphans.

Every Friday Bácsi and I go to Berettyóújfalu (B-town) to teach English.  Occasionally we go for an additional visit to just have fun with the kids.  English is why the orphanage director allows us in.  We have fun with the lessons, which is why the kids keep asking when we will come back.

This past Friday Bácsi taught the English lesson while I made pancakes.  The Hungarian equivelant is palacsinta (crepes).  After the lesson the kids sat down to eat, I was still cooking, and Bácsi was helping one with his school homework.  About a minute after they sat down to eat I turned from the stove to look at them, and there were 5 smiling faces.  They were eating pancakes, with maple syrup, using their fingers! 

I was astonished!  How could they be eating pancakes, covered in sticky maple syrup (generously donated by Bácsi dearest – Hungary doesn’t have maple syrup), with their fingers!!!  At that same moment Bácsi looked up and realized what was happening.  The Hungarian palacsinta is rolled up, with jam inside, and eaten with fingers.  Since they knew that these were “amerikai palacsinta” they naturally assumed that they would be eaten in the same method.  We quickly rectified the matter and pancakes were enjoyed by all.

Of shoes and diets…

Less than two months to the wedding. Like every other bride in history I decided to diet. There is one small problem – I live in Hungary. The standard Hungarian cuisine is not exactly what experts would call healthy, which is why the general populous considers it delicious. Nonetheless, there are some amazing produce stands (you know you’ve been here a while when your produce guy knows you, and your tastes) and I figured that a diet would be entirely possible. What I did not calculate was my job.

My job is to build relationships with people, meaning I must interact with them daily. The Hungarian people are very hospitable – which means they feed you. If I were to decline the food offered to me by the various nénis (of all ages) it would be a big deal. I’d probably fare better spitting in someone’s eye, drowning a kitten, or kicking a puppy. Food is made and served to show their love and hospitality, who am I to sneer and refuse this gift?

I’m turning to Plan B. Get up and walk every morning, stick to my diet when I am feeding myself, and enjoy myself when visiting with these amazing cooks!

Kakaos Palacsinta

Lángos

As I mentioned before, there are less than 2 months before D-day. For the most part planning is going along smoothly. Minor hiccups here and there, but nothing I can’t handle. Or rather, nothing I cannot email my mother about and have her handle while I sit back and enjoy the afore mentioned food. Living on a different continent from the one your wedding will take place in has both advantages and disadvantages.

Among the advantages, is that I don’t have to deal directly with every little detail. We planned the wedding fast, and have tried hard to keep it as simple as possible – granted it’s still a wedding so “simple” is a relative word. Among the disadvantages is that I miss the girly-camaraderie that I had hoped to enjoy. The dinners and tea parties where we can talk and giggle about the silly little details of the wedding. My life is divided between two continents and it’s starting to wear me out. The people who will be involved in the actual wedding are not the people I can readily see on a daily basis. It gets frustrating at times.

Anyways, the detail that actually is consuming my mind at the moment is my shoes. How could all the other details have fallen into place so easily, yet my shoes are still eluding me? A pretty, comfortable, white ballet flat is all I need….in my size.

Néni overload...

Literally translated néni means aunt, but more often than not it is used with a lady's name to indicate a sweet respect. Titles are not generally used (Mr./Mrs./Ms.) in Hungarian - except that doctors and lawyers are referred to as Dr. Just fyi - the male equivalent is bácsi. Yes, that is what I call my fiance. Yes, these terms are usually used for old people. Yes, this is great fun!

Anyways, now that you have the context, let me explain my "néni" filled morning. Yesterday, I opened the door of my apartment only to find my landlady standing posed to insert her key into the door. As I was just on the other side of the door and heard no knock or ringing of the bell I was taken slightly aback. I know that she used to enter the apartment all the time when we first moved in, but everyone told me that it would stop once she calmed down and got to know us. We moved in almost a year ago - and now we're actually making preparations to move out next month. What did she want? To read the water meter located in our bathroom. Oy with the poodles already! Doesn't she understand social etiquette????

With the water meter read, we walk downstairs and go our separate ways. I made my way to the nearby bus stop. After noting the time, and the fact that my bus is late (again) I resign myself to wait. Really, what else can you do? A few moments later a néni came and asked me a question. I've never seen this lady before, and I think she was asking if a certain bus had already come (buses are notorious for coming early or leaving late, anything but on-time). I told her in English, "I'm sorry, but I don't understand."

Back when I first arrived in Hungary I would say this sentence, rather proudly, in Hungarian. My moment of pride was short lived, because my style of dressing tends to lead people to believe I'm European (not American) and as soon as the familiar words left my mouth the people questioning me would decide that I COULD understand them. Once I got my act together and started responding in English I found that people tended to leave me alone and ask the next available person.

Not this time. Kati néni knows a little English! She has been to America! Her children live there! So, while I waited for my bus Kati néni and her friend Csilla néni had a cute little conversation with me. A few English words, a few Hungarian words, no grammar whatsoever...it was slightly awesome! Someone outside of my team understands my Hunglish! :) When my bus arrived and I got on they wished me "God Bless You!" Which had me rather excited until I realized it was probably just a mirror translation of the Hungarian salutation "Isten áldjon!" They waved at me cheerfully as the bus took me away.

It may be true that life is generally run by nénis, but I wish more of them had Kati néni and Csilla néni's cheerful spirit.

Unconventional

"not based on or conforming to what is generally done or believed."

In our own little ways we are all a bit unconventional. Each of us has those little things in life that, for one reason or another, we don't do the way they are "supposed" to be done. Everyone has their own idea of what normal is. Why do I say this?

In 62 days I will become Mrs. Fülöp. Bácsi and I are getting married, and then comes the grand adventure - becoming one. What does that mean? Because we are Christians this is not something we "practice" prior to marriage. There are no test drives, nor does the lemon law apply. With faith that God is leading our relationship, and that now is the time, we are diving in head first on 10 June. Then, and only then, will we venture forth into the great unknown of "how do we live together?"

To become one flesh. It's such an interesting phrase. I, like many, had always assumed these four words were predominantly a sexual reference. However, as I've grown older, observed the marriages around me, and as Bácsi and I have grown closer I've come to believe it is so much more - it is life.

Our relationship has not been without it's struggles. Seeing as we are both strong-willed and stubborn people life is not always easy. When we are married I think we will learn even more about two key elements that we've been discovering all along - respect and selflessness. Read Ephesians 5:22-33, that's what it's all about.

Respect. Selflessness. What do these look like? Well, as you all know, boys and girls do not always perceive things the same way. Another element to take into consideration is something I mentioned earlier: everyone has their own idea of normal. When a couple gets married it is a chore, but a necessary one, to reconcile two different "normals."

Thanks to years of struggles with my father, I learned that I cannot state/tell/demand anything to/of a man. It must be a request, or a question. No, not like Jeopardy. My "demands" must flow from my lips in the form of a request stemming from a humble heart. Men can usually tell when they are being manipulated. Your heart has to be in the right place, even when you know exactly what words to say and tone to use to get what you want.

We've all heard that guys need to be respected. Great. I'm all for it. Except, the things I consider respectful sometimes go completely unnoticed by Bácsi dearest. Through his mind's eye, respect is (sometimes) personified a little differently. Sometimes, I do little things out of habit - normal things, and Bácsi sees these things as disrespectful. Trying to have a discussion with him past 9 PM is not a good idea. To me this is normal - my dad gets home from work late, and that is usually when we will talk. Even now with the time difference I usually have to wait until around 9 PM on a weekend to catch my dad awake and at home. This is talking time! What's wrong with bácsi? He is tired, and would prefer for me to talk to him earlier in the day if the topic is serious. Yes, we talk in the evening, but now we tend to avoid huge, life-altering topics. For bácsi, this is much more respectful - I am acknowledging that he is tired and giving him his mental space to simply relax.

Selflessness. How does bácsi show his selfless love to me? First, let me share a secret with you: bácsi and I have not yet said the words "I love you" to each other. These words have never escaped our lips, and they will not until 10 June. Why? It was a personal decision that we made. These three words are tossed around so carelessly by people all around us. In some ways, they seem to have lost any true meaning. As a couple we chose to avoid this phrase until we are married.

Since bácsi is obviously not saying the words "I love you," then how can I possibly know this to be true? You've read the books - guys need respect and girls need love. May I draw your attention to the phrase, "Actions speak louder than words." It is very true. Words can ring hollow, shallow, and empty. If actions and words do not match those words can sting like a whip.

When bácsi shows in his actions that he cares for me, is looking out for my best interest, and that he patiently tolerates me when I'm moody - that tells me that he loves me. Again, sometimes our views of normal clash. Sometimes it is difficult to sort out how to blend, reconcile, and harmonize these normals. It actually took months of prayer, tears, and seeking Godly counsel for us to find a way that bácsi could show respect towards someone he has respected his entire life, but to do so in a way that didn't leave me feeling like a prostitute/housekeeper combo applying for a job. Reconciling two different worlds, without burning bridges.

Two ideas of normal - preparing to become one life.